The last time I watched She’s Dating the Gangster, I was eating ice cream in bed with a situationship—who might deny or “forget” that this even happened.
But I remember us laughing as we tried to figure out the complexities of Athena (Kathryn Bernardo now in the form of Dawn Zulueta) finally getting decades-late closure from her fake-turned-real-high-school boyfriend Kenji (Daniel Padilla who grew up to be Richard Gomez). When they were teens, Athena told Kenji to get back together with his ex who’s also named Athena (Sofia Andres) because ex Athena was terminally ill. But she didn’t reveal that she, too, was sick. Yeah, it's kinda complicated.
I was trying to introduce this guy to the joy of Pinoy rom-coms and thought: “Hmm, Daniel Padilla skateboarding in a red bandana and a nerdy Kathryn Bernardo shouting, ‘Go, sexy, sexy love!’ at a liga game should do the trick.” (It didn’t. We had fun though.)
I recently streamed The Hows of Us with someone who was about to go through a breakup. I convinced him to watch it in the hopes he’d find comfort in how sometimes, you have to let go of a relationship so you could both be the best versions of yourselves, like George (Kathryn) and Primo (Daniel) in the movie. (Also, Kathryn’s tear-jerking monologue under the rain about how she’s well-educated but acts stupid when it comes to the person she loves is a must-watch. Because same.)
While we were watching, he correctly predicted and then deconstructed Primo’s sadboi moves to win back George based on his personal experience. “Nakakainis pala marinig pag galing sa ibang lalaki,” he said in a moment of transcendental self-awareness.
Afterwards, I referenced the movie when he asked for advice. “Dahil main-character vibes naman yung situation [niyo], imagine mo na lang kayo si Daniel at Kathryn [sa The Hows of Us],” I pitched. For both of us, it was easier to see and explain things more objectively through fictional characters going through something similar.
One of my fondest college memories is of me on a best friend’s couch, watching Crazy Beautiful You, screaming at the TV, hoping that Kiko (Daniel) would be able to catch Jackie (Kathryn) along Commonwealth and tell her he loves her after traveling all the way from Tarlac. We celebrated when he finally caught up with her at that footbridge above the intersection of Quezon Ave. and EDSA. I’ve referred to it as the “KathNiel bridge” since then.
All this to say—I’m not the biggest KathNiel stan. Claiming that would be a disservice to those who actually are. I’ve watched their movies and caught Barcelona: A Love Untold when it was in cinemas. And yes, I even consider them my favorite love team. How can they not be? Their onscreen chemistry is palpable and their acting undeniably top-tier.
But I wasn’t super invested in their real-life relationship. I only watched them from afar, like whenever I’d see their couple posts or barkada trips on my feed. I’m also not for telling girls what to wear and not to wear—but that’s just me. Another random memory is Daniel holding Kathryn’s hand while she got a piercing because I remember thinking: Damn, and all I held was my phone.
Finding out about the KathNiel breakup
I haven’t kept tabs on KathNiel until I overheard conversations in the office about their rumored breakup. It’s inevitable when people kept coming up to the ever-knowledgeable PEP.ph table asking for some kind of hint. Still, I just went about my day.
And yet, when Kathryn posted on Instagram confirming that she and Daniel had really broken up, I immediately stopped working and stood in stunned silence while reading the entirety of her statement. It gave me that all-too-familiar feeling when you know something might happen, but you were kind of in denial and hoping it wasn’t actually going to happen.
I rushed to Daniel’s Instagram to read his post, too. I felt that pang of sadness when I swiped to his unfiltered, in-the-moment photo of Kathryn holding her dogs. Fan or not, you could tell that what they had was real and not just for show.
The news took over all of my GCs—on IG, Messenger, Telegram, Teams, you name it—and I drove home playing my newly released Spotify Wrapped playlist for 2023. It includes sadgirl anthems from Taylor Swift, SZA, and NIKI. (Your girl *went through it* earlier this year. Lol.) They played like a soundtrack to my traffic-induced self-reflection about KathNiel.
I asked myself: Why am I so affected by the breakup of a celebrity couple? I had never even met them. And at most, I was just a passive fan. There are undoubtedly more avid fans than me and I know I’m nowhere near their level of grief.
I found the answer in the personal stories I just shared. In some way, I had lived through KathNiel.
Sometimes, I did so by using their films as points of comparison for love-life situations IRL. (What do you do when you start liking someone you agreed to be ~just friends~ with? Do you choose love or career? Can it be both? Is it better to work on yourselves together or apart?)
Other times, I lived through them by creating cherished memories with loved ones through the very act of watching KathNiel movies. Or by deepening bonds with friends who reference the same lines and scenes I do. (“Hindi tayo mapapakain ng passion na yan!” Felt.)
Forming a parasocial relationship with KathNiel
Every time a big celeb couple breaks up (off the top of my head: Taylor-Joe, Selena-Justin, Nadine-James, Julia-Joshua) and makes headlines, there’s a rush of reactions from fans about how they’re saddened by it. They’re often ridiculed for caring so deeply about strangers in the first place. They’re shamed for forming parasocial relationships with their celebrity idols.
Parasocial relationships are “one-sided connections imagined with celebrities and media figures” as defined in a 2017 psychology study. A Time article defending parasocial relationships explains that having these imagined relationships with people you don’t particularly know creates a safe space for people to explore “different ways of being.”
I take that to mean that it allows fans to discover parts of themselves that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to because of the very constraints of reality. Being a fan of KathNiel movies allows me to figure out parts of myself that I wouldn’t have thought of because of the fact that they’re not actually my lived experiences.
Here’s a concrete example: Because of SDTG, I’ve discovered that if I were put in a similar situation, I probably wouldn’t have given way to the terminally ill ex, especially if I were also terminally ill. Sorry, not sorry—but then again, that’s the point: it’s an imaginary situation. I wouldn’t really know unless I actually live through it. But parasocial relationships help you make real realizations about yourself.
Others may have set KathNiel’s real-life relationship as an example for how they want their personal relationships to be. It could have been their standard or an ideal they work towards. I’m not saying that’s a good or bad thing. But that in itself could also be a “different way of being.”
There’s also how parasocial relationships can be a coping mechanism for those with an avoidant attachment style. For these people who are overly cautious about getting close to someone, a parasocial relationship could help them navigate their fears and be comfortable with forming tight bonds.
KathNiel-validated collective mourning
And then there’s the psycho-emotional value of finding a community because of your parasocial relationship. What I found notable about Kathryn and Daniel’s statements is that they both included their fans and validated their feelings.
“Kathniels, we know you are hurting, and trust me, this also hurts us both more than you can imagine. The last thing we want is for this family to break apart with everyone taking sides—please don’t,” Kathryn wrote. “We hope you can join us in this healing process and not let those precious memories go to waste. Kaya natin ‘to.”
Daniel reiterated how their fans have become family. “This is beyond show business. Pamilya kayo at mga kaibigan.”
Having emotionally invested fans has become a contractual fine print when someone signs up for showbiz, especially if you’re in a love team. Celebrities like Liza Soberano have previously opened up about its difficulties.
But it felt comforting to see that Kathryn and Daniel know their relationship means something deeply personal to their ever-supportive fans. The same way it feels personal to me, even if I didn’t follow every detail of their real-life love story.
Not that you need anyone’s permission to feel a particular way, but if KathNiel themselves tell you that it’s okay to be hurt about it, then that’s enough reason to feel your feelings.
This isn’t to say that we should form intense bonds with famous people who don’t even know us. An Atlantic piece raises the point that forming extreme parasocial bonds may lead you to push away people you have actual relationships with.
Of course, as with any relationship, the parasocial one with your fave celeb should have boundaries. Just because they’re accessible doesn’t mean they owe us anything, though sometimes it feels like they do. Still, they’re not bound to what we want or feel any more than that boy you never really DTR-ed with.
We’re all going through it
Honestly, I still feel strange mourning a relationship I wasn’t a part of or had any stake in. I mean, does what I feel affect them at all? Not really. I don’t even know them personally. But I remind myself that it was them who were a part of my relationships, and that’s why I’m so affected by it.
That aforementioned situationship may have ended, continued, and ended again, but no amount of gaslighting could take away the high of watching SDTG together on *checks IG archive* April 20. A conflicted but passionate Daniel and a forgiving, hard-working Kathryn helped me help someone navigate a tough breakup. And KathNiel may have broken up but it won’t change how they brought me, a lifelong friend, and so many more fans closer with each other.
I’m sad about the KathNiel breakup. Even though I realize now that I was a bigger fan of them as an onscreen couple because of how they’ve affected my personal life. And that’s okay, even if other people might find it shallow or pointless. I genuinely wish them both the love they’ve made us feel in all their projects together.
In a bittersweet way, I’m grateful to be sad about it. That’s what makes the reel real.
