Witty Comebacks To Annoying Comments

We're sure you've come in contact with some tactless titas, abrasive acquaintances, and unfeeling friends. They're the ones who seem to know exactly the wrong things to say at the worst possible times. Instead of being left stammering--or worse, speechless in disbelief, it's time to practice some face-saving pronouncements that'll up your ante and keep your self-esteem intact.

"Scripting a communication game plan keeps you focused and composed in difficult conversations," says Don Gabor, author of Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations. Having ready answers to difficult questions and comments "provide you with a framework with which you can organize your thoughts, articulate your goals, present your case, and say what you mean in a calm, orderly, and confident manner," he adds.

Cosmo lists some common jaw-dropping hirits with some matching witty (some, funny) retorts to use (and others just to think about) to keep you in a steady state of mind.

Love Lessons
"O, ba't wala ka pang boyfriend/asawa?"

• "Are you kidding? I'm having such a blast being single!"
• "I'm still in the process of screening applicants. Haven't met anyone deserving, e."
• "E ba't ikaw meron pa rin? Tsk, tsk, tsk." (with a very sad, disapproving face)

"So, when are you getting married?" (asked in front of a guy on your second date)

• "Fast forward naman! We're dating pa lang, e."
• "Oh, we already are!" (Then steer your new boy away from the conversation and tell him to ride along.)
• "After you." (You'll make your point especially to a non-hitched friend.)

"Ha? Why'd you break up?” (post-breakup when you yourself can't figure out why)

• "It just wasn't meant to be."
• "He met a new guy and they're in love."
• "His loss. He decided to give up the only thing good about him."

"Ba't siya? You can definitely do better."

• "Really? I'm pretty sure I snagged the best."
• "Because he treats me better than all the crushes-ng-bayan or heartthrobs I've dated before."
• "Oo nga, you're right. So how do you survive with [name of person’s boyfriend/husband]? Any tips?"

"You're always together. Nagiging magkamukha na kayo."

• "That's because he can't stand being away from me."
• "Gorgeous birds of the same feather flock together."
• "Whew! Buti na lang may itsura siya!"

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All In A Day's Work
"You know, you look like [some so-unattractive person]."

• "Really? Am I really that striking?"
• "Wow, thanks! I’m sure she'll take that as a compliment."
• "Oo nga, e. Buti na lang new and improved version."

"That's what you do for a living?!"

• "Yes and I love it. I can't imagine doing anything else."
• "Yup. It's so fun to be shallow talaga!"
• "Inggit ka?"

"“With that salary?! How in the world can you survive?"

• "It's called skill." (Then smile confidently.)
• "Money management is part of my job responsibility."
• "Why? Can't you survive with yours?"

"Ikaw ba talaga gumawa n'yan?"

• "My hard work paid off."
• "Yes. I worked really hard on it. Isn't it impressive?"
• "Aren't you proud?"

"Is this what you call a report/proposal?!"

• "It's open for your revision, sir."
• "No, sir. It's a draft. I just wanted your opinion so I could make sure I was on the right track."
• "It's actually based on your astounding, expert example."

"I knew you couldn't do it."

• "At least I tried my best."
• "Well, there's always a next time."
• "I knew you couldn't either."

Too "Feeling Close" For Comfort
"Alam mo, papayat/pataba/paputi/paitim ka nga!"

• "I'm happy as I am. Thank you."
• "At least pretty, 'di ba?"
• "Tara! Sabay tayo!"

"Uy! 'Di kita nakilala. Ano'ng nangyari sa'yo?!"

• "Ikaw, parehong-pareho pa rin."
• "Eto...gumanda."
• "Excuse me. Do I know you?"

"Uy! Loko lang! Ang sensitive mo naman!" (after being joked about the same topic for the 100th time)

• "Ikaw naman. Don't you ever get tired of the same joke?"
• "Nakarami ka na, ah. Don't let me start on you."
• "Ok lang 'no. Tara, libre kita ng Brazilian wax."

"You should try my derma/acne soap/breath freshener--parang you need it."

• "Okay. Try ko and I'll let you know."
• "Uy! Same boat na tayo?"
• "I'm scared. Mukhang hindi effective, e."

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During Everyday Encounters
"Ma'am, bili na kayo. May double XL po kami."

• "Thanks, but no thanks."
• "Ay sayang! Medium lang ako, e."
• "Buti merong size mo."

"What's that? Nag-shopping ka na naman?!"

• "Of course. I so deserve it."
• "Yup, and I got you something. Here, o." (Sabay abot ng pasalubong)
• "Huh? Shoplifted lahat 'to."

"Miss, ano? Bibili ba kayo?" (impatient sales persons)

• "Bigyan mo muna akong discount."
• "Sana...pero parang ang sungit mo, e. Huwag na lang."
• "Bakit? Naiinip ka na?"

"Hey! I love your new pants/top, but parang kulang ka talaga sa butt/boobs."

• "Thanks. I knew you'd love it."
• "You want, yours na lang?"
• "Thanks. Hirap kasi to have a model's body, e."

"Ganda n'yan, ah. I have one exactly like it."

• "Naks! Friends talaga tayo."
• "We both have good taste then."
• "Does it look as good on you, too?"