***Trigger warning: Abuse and sexual grooming
“When they met, he was 34, she was 14.” Cute? Not really. In 2023, couples joined the TikTok bandwagon and revealed their age gaps through recent vs. old photographs with Adele’s “When We Were Young” in the background. It was all kilig until it quickly took a dark turn when suspicions arose that some individuals might be unknowingly falling victim to grooming. Relationships with large age gaps have always been a tricky subject. With abuse thrown into the mix, it has never been more important to clarify what grooming is.
When is it considered grooming?
One, it’s very real and not merely an offshoot of the #MeToo movement. Two, it’s different from other “large age gap” stories. Grooming is a very alarming form of abuse that can sneak up on kids and teens. The PNP Anti-Cybercrime Group says, “Online grooming is where someone befriends a child online and builds up their trust with the intention of exploiting them and causing them harm. Harm caused by grooming can be sexual abuse, both in person and online, and exploitation to obtain sexually explicit images and videos of the child.”
As online interactions and more in-person events bring people of all ages together, it becomes crucial to comprehend both online and offline grooming, recognize its signs, and deploy effective preventive measures.
What are the stages of grooming?
MindNation psychologist Lian Ma. Kolbe Luceña-Gaspi outlines the stages of grooming in an exclusive interview with Cosmopolitan, emphasizing that grooming is a gradual process:
1. Victim Selection: Predators observe vulnerability and social availability
2. Access: Predators befriend and build trust with the target
3. Building Trust: Excessive compliments, gifts, and time spent to make the victim feel special
4. Isolation: Severing connections with the victim's social network, fostering dependence
5. Normalizing Abusive Behavior: Introduction of sexual elements and desensitization to inappropriate actions
6. Maintaining Control and Power: Manipulation, blackmail, demands sexual favors, or even physical violence to assert dominance
ALSO READ: It's Psychological Abuse: What Does Gaslighting Really Feel Like?
What are the signs that someone is being groomed?
Identifying signs of grooming can be challenging, given that interactions often occur online or in secret. However, some behavioral and emotional indicators include:
- Excessive talk about sexual topics and inappropriate sexual behavior.
- Keeping secrets, spending unusual amounts of time alone, or manifesting regressive behaviors.
- Mood swings, irritability, aggression, or self-harm.
- Decreased confidence, excessive fearfulness, or loss of interest in previous activities.
- Unexplained gifts, money, or new clothes.
Some may also use technology more frequently, especially at odd hours. For those being groomed offline, they might start trying to avoid being left alone with certain people, being seen without clothing (which may have unexplained bruises) and having more unexplained health issues. Another clue: The victim might start receiving unexplained gifts, money, or new clothes.
Lian says, “The most crucial thing to remember while searching for indicators of child sexual abuse is to be on the lookout for abrupt behavioral shifts. If anything feels strange, follow your instincts and don't discount your feelings. Even if a youngster is unable to provide precise details, pay attention to them when they tell you that someone makes them feel uneasy.”
RELATED: Where To Go, What To Do After A Sexual Assault
How do you protect someone from being groomed?
Aside from recognizing the signs, you need to be wary of predators, too. Be cautious of people who are:
- Giving too much attention or interest to a child or teenager
- Trying to keep the child away from friends and loved ones
- Sharing inappropriate jokes, stories, or pictures
- Dismissing comments about their relationship with the child
Lian also stresses that perpetrators are not always strangers or adult men. “Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members, acquaintances, or current/former intimate partners. [Also,] a small percentage [of sex crimes] are committed by women or minors.” The MindNation psychologist shares tips to prevent or address grooming:
For children, young adults, or vulnerable adults:
- Do not give out your personal information online.
- Be wary of people trying to get close to you especially if you have a “bad feeling” about the person.
- Be digital literate so you are aware of how the online world works.
For parents:
- Be curious about what your kids are doing online and try to understand from their point of view.
- Be prepared to have difficult conversations, especially regarding their privacy.
- Educate them on digital literacy so they are aware of this kind of thing and how to respond to it so as not to fall victim.
“Seek help from a mental health professional to guide [you] on how to manage [the] traumatic experiences,” says Lian. This is the best way to address the issue and find a healthy coping mechanism.
Understanding and preventing sexual grooming in the digital age is crucial for kids and teens. By recognizing the signs, promoting open communication, and staying vigilant, we can create a safer environment for the younger generation. Share this information to raise awareness and work towards preventing more people from falling prey to grooming.
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MindNation offers 24/7 chat support on Facebook Messenger for those with immediate need of help. You can also book teletherapy sessions with psychologists and wellbeing coaches through the MindNation app, available via Google Play and The App Store, or via email at book@mindnation.com.
If you're in an abusive relationship, feel free to reach out and ask for help from the following hotlines:
Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD)
Batasan Pambansa Complex, Quezon City
Tel. No.: (02)931-8101 to 07
DSWD –NCR Ugnayan Pag-asa Crisis Intervention Center
Legarda, Manila
Tel. No.: (02) 734-8639/ 734-8654/ 734-8626 to 27
Philippine National Police (PNP)
Camp Crame, Quezon City
Tel. No.: 723-0401 to 20
PNP-Women and Children Protection Center (WCPC)
Camp Crame, Quezon City
Tel. No.: 410-3213
NBI-Violence Against Women and Children Desk (VAWCD)
Taft Avenue, Manila
Tel. No.: 523-8231 to 38 / 525-6028
