While most breakups are at least a little bit unpleasant, severing romantic ties with someone you love, be it in a best-friend way or a passionate I'm-infatuated-with-you-but-also-unhappy-in-this-relationship-like-70-percent-of-the-time, is profoundly shitty. There's just no way around it—it sucks.
Losing someone who knows you better than anyone is a unique hell, as is maturely breaking off a toxic relationship (and with it, the intoxicating sex). But if you're reading this, you probably know that what's coming is going to temporarily unhinge your life, but a part of you, however small, also knows that you have to go through with it for a shot at real happiness someday. Here's how to do it (and how to make it a little less agonizing).
Know what you absolutely can't compromise on, and stick with it.
It's hard to change when you can't exactly pinpoint what's wrong or how the partnership differs from the life you want to be living. "Knowing what you value is knowing what you want out of life, knowing how you treat yourself and others, and knowing how you expect others to treat you," says Mariana Bockarova, PhD, who teaches relationship psychology at the University of Toronto.
In situations where one person wants kids while the other doesn't or one partner values transparency while the other keeps betraying their trust, it's very hard to find middle ground. Even where you live—wanting to spend the rest of your life somewhere sunny and warm while your partner is obsessed with England—can be valid enough to not budge. You just have to know what it is and feel confident in living your truth.
"A good way to know what you value is to think of what advice you'd give a friend who finds themselves in your situation," Bockarova says. "Often, we forget that we should care about ourselves at least just as much, and this exercise can really tell you what boundaries you take seriously." Because if your best friend said "I love him, but I feel like we've grown apart and I'm wasting my life in this city," you'd know exactly what you'd say.
Keep track of all the times you've felt off about the relationship.
Something as complex and layered as a relationship can be impossible to define with one word or one feeling, especially when you're trying to summarize years of being together.
So zoom in. "Really reflect on the past and when you've felt uncertain, uneasy, betrayed, or scared or when some part inside tells you something is amiss," Bockarova says. "Consider what was happening at the time of these feelings, and it will point you toward what value was being violated."
Does your partner consistently make "jokes" that rub all your friends the wrong way? Do they avoid PDA at all costs when you just want them to put their arm around you? Do they complain so much that you feel like you've gradually become a more negative person just by association?
Whatever it is, Bockarova advises to listen to it and honor your feelings over what your friends might think ("My boyfriend never hugs me in public either, it's just how men are!" is not going to help you). If it helps, journal how you feel in the relationship every day.
Be really ready to not have them in your life, at least for a while.
If you're preeeeetty sure you want to end things, be prepared to not text them about the weird thing that happened at work or DM them perfect Insta memes.
"I personally recommend taking some time apart in order to get a healthy perspective on the breakup and what you could learn from it," Bockarova says. "However, the quality of relationships—just like the individuals in them—vary, so not having contact may not work best for you."
If you actually work together, that might not be an option. Or hey, maybe you love each other as platonic BFFs and this breakup has mostly been a painless transition to just friends. The main thing Bockarova emphasizes is assessing why you want to reach out to them when you do. If it's just because you're bored, don't have anyone else to share a piece of news with, or want to hook up mid-breakup, maaaaaaybe don't.
Forgive yourself for not making the cleanest break.
That being said, love is messy, and breakups are messier. Ideally, Bockarova suggests breaking up in private and giving yourselves ample time to voice your feelings.
But if this person means a lot to you, it makes sense that you might have a few false starts...i.e., you separate and keep getting back together. Forgive yourself for sending the occasional excuse-to-text-them text—everyone's been there.
"We know from research that relationships tend to cycle and that clean breaks are often quite rare," Bockarova says. "In fact, the normal breakup can be broken down—pardon the pun—into an entire 16-step process, so some cycling back and forth is normal."
While some slip-ups are okay, just do your best to remain firm in your decision (that's why the steps above help you stick to it more).
Don't try to deal with this all by yourself.
Naturally, a significant breakup can bring stress, which can bring on a nasty list of symptoms like drastic changes in your sleep, appetite, or mood.
"In the case of a breakup, the root cause might be the relationship itself, so you've effectively solved the problem by severing the relationship, but it's now causing a new stress, which might be feeling a lack of connection and loneliness," Bockarova says. "What can help in this case is to connect with people around you who care for you."
Sure, give yourself some space if you want it, but retreating too much can make you feel worse. Talking to trusted friends and family can not only help you feel less alone and more loved, but it can also help you further learn from the breakup.
Fill up your life with other stuff you love.
The other way to handle post-devastating-breakup stress is to keep busy, even if the phrase "keeping busy" inherently makes you want to crawl back to bed.
"Emotion-focused coping won't get rid of the problem at hand, but it can help briefly distract you from stress," Bockarova says. "In this case, quick fixes like watching your favorite movie, going for a run, indulging in comfort foods, or doing an activity where you can refocus your emotions on something positive help in the short run."
It won't have as lasting an impact as reaching out to people or starting new habits (like joining a club or activity you never tried before the breakup), but it does keep you feeling more emotionally balanced and happier for the time being so you CAN make those bigger changes.
If you decide to get back together, take it very slow.
Of course, if you love each other so much, it's natural you might consider getting back together. Which, hey, might work and even make your relationship stronger than ever. But obvs, proceed with caution.
"My best advice for couples who reunite is to take it slow," Bockarova says. "After some time apart, you've likely had a shift in perspective and can clearly lay out what went wrong and your part in it."
Again, relationships can go through draining cycles (including the makeup/breakup kind), but if you're aware of that and both fully going into it prepared to do the work, it can absolutely be worth a shot.
But before you do that, spend a good amount of time apart. Love yourself before going back to anyone else.
Follow Julia on Twitter.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
