I’m a child-free (not childless) woman in the Philippines. I’m in a wonderful marriage. I have a career that I love. I’m approaching my mid-30s. Now I know what you're probably thinking, but no matter what society or other people would like to believe, I truly feel sure, happy, and confident about this decision.
I don’t remember when it happened exactly. I just know that growing up, I never really enjoyed the company of other children. Don't get me wrong, though—I'm not masungit with kids! I just preferred sitting with adults.
Whenever I was invited to play house with other kids, I would insist that my role should not be the mom. I’d play the older sister or the governess—not the nanny. I enjoyed teaching younger kids, telling them stories, and correcting their posture. But naturally, I wasn’t the most popular playmate.
By the time I became a TV reporter just months out of university, my grandmother urged me to start taking dating seriously and look into having a family. This was after years of telling me not to date while I was in school as having a career is important. Rebelliously, I did date around while I was studying but it was never with marriage in mind. I just liked the companionship and the thrill of infatuation. I remember how her face fell when I said that I only dream of being a TV anchor and not becoming someone’s wife or mother.
I eventually met my would-be-husband at work. “You said you’ll never get married but here you are. Maybe you’ll also change your mind about children,” my best friend told me as she did my makeup for my wedding. “Let’s see. Maybe,” I said with a wry smile.
I’d be lying if I tell you that I never toyed with the idea. I feel like anyone who says they never did is mendacious. It’s such a big decision and society has this way of romanticizing child-rearing that it’s enough to make anyone think twice. I love my husband and I occasionally fantasized about a tiny human who is a combination of us. How I would raise that person and mold them into having their dad’s calm and composure with my lust for life? Every time I get nearer to changing my mind, I think of everything that I would have to give up. Years of freedom, falling behind in my demanding career, not having enough time with my husband, and letting my whole world revolve around one tiny human. Not to mention the impact on the climate of having one more person who will increase our family’s carbon footprint.
It’s selfish, isn’t it? But go back to my reasons for wanting one—aren’t they selfish too? The conscious decision to have a child is never for the child’s benefit. To miss out on a world that’s cruel and crumbling under the pressure of overpopulation doesn’t seem that much of a punishment. If we follow a certain religion and believe that babies come from heaven, isn’t it kinder for me to leave one there or let them be born into a family where they will be irrevocably wanted?
I would support another woman’s decision as long as it was made by her alone. As long as she wasn’t pressured by a partner or society to have a child only to regret it later on in life.
I think it’s time we all accept that both decisions—to have a child or not—are rooted in our own desires. Either way, I would support another woman’s decision as long as it was made by her alone. As long as she wasn’t pressured by a partner or society to have a child only to regret it later on in life.
In the Philippines, having children is often viewed as a sign of fulfillment, happiness, and success. Our culture emphasizes the importance of family and the traditional roles of men and women in raising children. Therefore, choosing to be child-free can be seen as a deviation from the norm and can be met with skepticism, criticism, and even ostracism. I’ve lost friends who felt my decision was an affront to theirs. I’ve been questioned and deemed ridiculous. I must be an empty, mad woman for not wanting my own bundle of joy.
But these bundles of joy are huge responsibilities that I admittedly can’t deal with. Rather than being called selfish, I prefer the term self-aware. I’ve heard every single thing that’s supposed to bend and scare me into submission. From how my husband will eventually leave me for someone who would give him children to how I will end up dying alone. The one I hate the most is when they come for my dog and how he can never take care of me when I’m old. As if the main reason for having him or a child is comparable to having an insurance policy. Even with kids, we should all be preparing for our retirement financially and independently, allowing them to live their own lives as adults. We must learn to enjoy our own company in the unavoidable eventuality that yes, we will die alone even if we had kids or not.
To add, children should not be given the HUGE task of making us happy. They're just tiny humans who would rely on your support and wisdom to live in this complicated world.
I know this is a decision I shouldn’t be explaining. It’s my life, my boundaries, and the possibility of a lifelong commitment. However, for the benefit of those who are at a crossroads or are being pressured, allow me to share the other side of the coin. I am happy and fulfilled without a child. There are parents who feel the same way but know that theirs is not the only way of life in 2023. We have options.
Child-free individuals have more flexibility and freedom to pursue their interests and passions. They can travel frequently, advance their careers, or pursue educational opportunities without the constraints of parenthood.
Moreover, being child-free allows us to make meaningful contributions to society in other ways. We can volunteer our time and resources to charitable causes, mentor young people, or support our families in alternative ways that do not involve becoming a progenitor.
I am loved and happy. The world’s resources are finite and not having children is my gift to the planet and to other women who wish to have their own. Take my slot, I’m happy for you. On International Women’s Month, take this as a reminder that in 2023, motherhood is great but it’s not the only life path for women. You do you and know that there are women who will cheer you on even if we don’t belong to the same club.
