Before you clutch your pearls, let's get this straight: we absolutely abhor cheating. It destroys trust and leaves lasting scars on our well-being. We saw ourselves, our parents, or our friends go through it all; the painful discovery of your most trusted person's infidelity, bringing a volatile mix of anger, sadness, and crushing self-doubt. After all, cheating is a solid violation of the rules of exclusivity that a typical relationship is built on.
But what if there is consent from the get-go? Enter Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), a game-changer in the relationship playbook. ENM—at least for those who practice it—supposedly thrives on honesty, transparency, and mutual consent.
The rule is simple: all parties are in the loop, imposes open communication, and allows for the exploration of multiple relationships without the emotional wreckage that comes with cheating.
Meet Dennis and Sandy: Swingers to Throuple
Dennis and Sandy, both in their late 30s, have been married for over a decade. Their journey into ENM started back in 2015, ironically when Sandy caught Dan flirting with a colleague.
"I opened up the idea to him, it started nahuli ko siya na may ka-fling sa office, pinag-awayan namin nang sobrang matagal. But the thought of it, doon nabuo yung fantasy, na thinking about my husband having sex with another girl. I opened it up to him, and hindi siya makapaniwala," Sandy told Cosmopolitan Philippines.
Dennis said he thought it was a trick question, "Akala ko, gusto niya lang gumanti," he added.
They signed up on an adult website, and found some willing co-participants. This would be the start of their new lifestyle, which Dennis and Sandy claim improved their relationship as a married couple. They've done several "events" in the last eight years, from playing with other happily married duos, joining orgies, to doing threesomes.
"Kapag nakikipag-play ka, we start with chats with the couple. The common rule is we always use condoms, that's non-negotiable. We also make sure we are being tested [for HIV] regularly, sometimes we get free test kits or we buy. We don't play agad. We do not do that in the house, and we rent a [room at the] motel," said Sandy.
Eventually, their playmates become their friends, and it improves the intimacy if they have common interests. And while it appears they have broken many rules, Dennis and Sandy have set boundaries on how they would practice ENM.
"Hindi kami pwedeng lumabas nang separate, papayagan niya ako with a couple lang, not with a single male. [And Dennis is not allowed] with a single female. You will not call it swinging, that's hook-up. Swinging kasi is dapat may couple involved,” Sandy explains.
Earlier this year, Sandy and Dennis took the leap and opened their partnership to a third party. The husband and wife have a girlfriend, Marie, who is connected to them sexually and emotionally, respectively.
"My girlfriend and my husband are getting to know each other right now, and the set-up now is really a companionship. We are enjoying it, still learning it, getting to know pa rin. Now they are physically attracted. They have sex, and I want them to know more about each other. Under Throuple, it's about balance, and we are learning a lot right now. We do our research. It's a bit hard," Sandy explains.
Marie is not part of the swinging community, but fits seamlessly into their family, having been introduced as a Tita to Dennis and Sandy’s kids, who are both under 12. With clear boundaries, they're making it work.
"Wala siya sa community, which is weird, ayaw niya sa lifestyle. She's single. Hindi pa siya pwedeng tumira sa amin, and we meet three times a week. Rules that the husband set is we cannot be clingy in front of the kids, and kung may problema we should talk about it, pag tayo [may problema], hindi siya pwede makialam," Sandy explains.
Case number 2: 'I like Watching My Husband Pleasure Another Girl'
It was a different story for Slater and Grace, who took years of careful thought before finally jumping into ENM.
"Basically, the husband introduced it to me and we talked about it. Seven years na pinag-uusapan, nanonood ng related shows and nagbasa ng mga related article. I didn't find it weird, it just took that long. I know it will come a time I will try it, I thought, might as well try things out of the ordinary," Grace told Cosmopolitan Philippines.
"Kahit paano I understand why gusto niya to try yun with me, there is no conflict. So when we decided to try it, for me to try na magkaroon ng other experience with other guys. I think nalinaw namin sa isa’t-isa, kung hanggang saan lang yung pwede," Grace added.
Grace said her first ENM was just a sexual experiment. She and her husband met a guy through an app, and the three of them had a getting-to-know-you moment at a coffee shop.
"Gusto ko pa rin may connection, not necessarily emotionally, but just to make sure pareho kami ng wavelength. Then after that, kung maayos kausap namin, naintindihan niya, we proceed to the rules: laging kasama si husband, hindi pwedeng wala siya. There is no camera or no video, no rough stuff, and when I say no na—he has to stop. We always do it with a condom," Grace said.
Slater believes in the "happy wife, happy life" adage, so he looks for ways to pleasure Grace, even if it means adding someone into their intimate moments. Grace reciprocates this by being a watcher sometimes, allowing her husband to do the deed with another woman, in her presence.
"Kung baliktad naman how would I feel kung siya naman yung may iba. So we tried it too with a girl, watcher lang ako—since I'm straight, hindi ako handa. I want to watch, that moment gusto ko makita ganyan pala hitsura ko. I just watched. Hindi ako nakaramdam ng selos. If they started as magka-chat lagi, baka dun ako makaramdam ng selos,” Grace explained.
"I found it out to see my husband pleasuring another girl—siguro twice na kami naka-experience with a girl, nanood lang ako. I cheer for him," she said. "We talk about it, I tell him kung ano nag-pleasure sa akin. Not necessarily na ginawa ng kasama namin. We tell each other kung ano gusto namin," she added.
For Slater, ENM is way better than choosing to cheat.
"Mas pinipili na sabihin sa kanya kaysa itago. Bakit ka pa mag-cheat? We both experienced na niloko, nag-cheat before. Hindi ko nagustuhan yung lagi kang kinakabahan or lagi kang tamang hinala," added Slater.
Types Of Ethical Non-Monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy embraces diverse relationship styles where all parties are fully aware of engaging in multiple romantic or sexual relationships.
Distinction of 'body and soul'
ENM might sound like a modern twist on romance, but it's pushing the boundaries of what it means to be "ethical" in relationships. Traditionally, ethics in relationships are all about commitment to one partner—a norm heavily influenced by religion and the state.
According to sociologist Jayeel Cornelio, ENM rejects long-standing customs and laws.
"What I would say is this is a (trend) that obviously challenges us to think or reconsider the limits of our ability to love as humans. I would perfectly understand that a lot of Filipinos would frown upon this, and for good reason,” Cornelio told Cosmopolitan Philippines.
ENM challenges both legal and religious structures. The Catholic Church, for instance, sees marriage as a vow that shouldn't be broken. For the Church, family life is about preserving faith and commitment. However, ENM questions these boundaries, asking how we can commit to one person if we can't commit to the institution of marriage.
Practicing non-monogamy opposes concepts of what is a family, which, as a social construct, has been about preserving wealth across generations, added Cornelio.
Now, instead of focusing on accumulating wealth, ENM proposes sharing resources—both emotional and physical. While ENM can be seen among less affluent groups, it is logical that those who practice this often involve people with financial flexibility to explore such lifestyles. Pre-group sex lattes and meetups definitely don't come cheap.
ENM also highlights the link between purchasing power and the ability to experiment. When you're making ends meet, you typically won't have the time to find your (sex) tribe.
People who engage in ethical non-monogamy are also able to find the "distinction between the body and the soul," and that is "not something many of us will agree with," added Cornelio.
"If you look at the propagation of the species as a function of sex, then from the point of view of evolution, there's no point to be committed to one person, making monogamy counter-intuitive," explained Cornelio, however emphasizing that "some other scholars would say it's the nature of humanity."
From a sociologist's point of view, ENM is a broader movement of sexual emancipation, which has been amplified by social media. As of 2024, Filipino ENM groups have hundreds of members, and that's not even considering the secret threads and group chats in the deep, dark web.
ENM as a community
Practicing ENM couples like Grace and Slater or Dennis and Sandy are not yet ready to go public with their lifestyle. They are, however, relieved to find communities that offer no judgement for their life choices.
"You have that ticket to experience it with other people, aside from your spouse. And mas na-strengthen yung samahan namin because we have something na hindi na-experience ng iba," said Grace.
"May mga tao na hindi naman talaga for them, and we understand that," she added.
While ENM presents a different approach to love and relationships. It's an ethical question that society has yet to fully answer. But one thing is clear: it is reshaping how some people think about commitment, ethics, and love in the modern age.
Editor's note: Names of case studies have been changed.
