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Why You Won't Get To Recreate The 'Fifty Shades' Shower Sex Scene

Based on roughly five seconds from the 'Fifty Shades Darker' trailer.
by Julia Pugachevsky | Published Sep 15, 2016
PHOTO: Fifty Shades Darker/Universal Pictures
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Judging by the newly released Fifty Shades trailer, it looks like the next installment will feature a masquerade ball, yacht-cuddling, and some shady (literally, because they emerge from pitch darkness) ex-girlfriends. But that's not all. Fifty Shades Darker teased what looks to be a *~very~* steamy shower scene, and, knowing Christian and Ana, what will likely be some very raunchy sex after.

With reflexes that could only be described as "feline," Christian artfully pins the inexplicably-still-clothed Ana against the shower wall and proceeds with a passionate kiss. This could potentially become the hottest scene in the series so far. There's just one problem: it's literally not how shower sex works. Ever. For anyone. Let's break it down:

1. The actual shower. 

Christian Grey's shower is bigger than most studio apartments. There is actually space for him to glide across with Ana safely in tow. Of course your shower sex life would be more graceful if the setting was, in fact, just a mahogany-lined room with light ceiling drizzling. Sigh, one day.

2. The seamless, slip-free movement. 

Part of what makes this so damn alluring is the perfectly coordinated push against the wall. There's not even a millisecond of potential falling-over on either party's part. In real life, even in the limited space of a bathtub, you're uber-aware of your feet as you shift into a new position, or even at all. One toe out of line and you're facing a concussion, and a very naked, very wet trip to the hospital.

3. The pressing-against-the-wall. 

Ana looks blissfully "in the moment," with her eyes fully closed the entire time. Except there's no way she isn't freezing and cramped up with her entire body slammed against a surface colder and stiffer than Christian Grey's constant demeanor. Secretly, she's dreaming of fluffy sheets and a long massage.

4. The clothes remaining (mostly) on. 

On one hand, being so consumed with lust that you simply must enter the shower, right now, while still clothed, sounds like the pinnacle of #RelationshipGoals. On the other hand, every person who's ever attempted shower sex knows that one does not simply bathroom-intercourse all willy-nilly. You turn the faucet on and smirk at each other while you strip down. You gingerly hop in and help the other person in after you. Shower sex is an event, not a casual happenstance.


5. Christian presumably removing his shirt while still holding Ana in the air. 

This is Fifty Shades, after all. Christian Grey doesn't put his girlfriend down for a second and fumble around as his wet T-shirt clings to his face, eventually asking for her assistance (that would actually be kind of adorable!). No. Christian Grey instead follows through on a movement almost no one can do, let alone do while dripping with shower water.

6. The implied orgasm sans lube. 

OK, the viewer doesn't know for sure that Christian doesn't have a bottle of water-based lubricant somewhere, but considering the fact that he doesn't even carry essentials like shampoo or soap, it seems like a stretch. Any shower sex veteran will tell you that relying on just water will do the opposite of getting you wet, instead leaving your vagina feeling rubbery and definitely not as up-for-penetration as you originally had hoped.

7. The lack of aforementioned shower supplies. 

The fact that Christian is that rich and doesn't hoard Lush products is an insult to everyone who's ever fantasized about earning $2.2 billion in investments. But that aside, it's simply unrealistic and borderline sociopathic to have a shower that devoid of half-empty shaving cream cans and sample shampoos stolen from hotels. Plus, part of the charm of sex in the shower is knocking these over when attempting literally any kind of intercourse.

8. The lack of any actual bathing and subsequent bickering over conditioner usage. 

 Maybe they will, but seems unlikely that two people who dive into a shower fully clothed while intensely making out will at some point stop and reach for the loofah. For everyone else, shower sex usually serves the dual purpose of actually cleaning you, which will absolute involve glaring at your partner for taking too generous a dollop of your expensive eucalyptus body wash.

9. The making out in pouring water. 

Actually, this one's kind of spot on. Despite the hair matting and water in your eyes and nose, there's something so inherently passionate about kissing while completely drenched. Unlike Ana and Christian though, the rest of us probably take pauses to discreetly spit out gulps of water and hope no one notices.

Follow Julia on Twitter.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors. 

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