Sexting is a great way to express sexual desires with a partner and can be very fun. Unfortunately, it's super rare that I'm actually doing all the *sexy* things that I say I am. I know you imagine me lying in bed, touching myself to Usher's Confessions, but the truth is, I'm at the mall picking out a new shower rod. No, that is not a euphemism.
Listen, I would love to be in the shower, lathering up my huge knockers and thinking about your meat sword, but today's my only day off and I have shit to do. Yeah, I'm super wet, but that's because I just super sat in spilled water on the train.
To give you a better idea of what's really going on, here are some things I and other women are actually doing when sexting:
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The dishes, fully clothed.
I'm even wearing my favorite PJs, the one with the dancing frogs on it.
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FaceTiming my mom.
It's her birthday and TBH, I feel a little guilty that I just sang to her mere moments after I told you what I want you to do to my butt.
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Babysitting my cousin.
They don't know how to read yet, it's fine.
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Helping my sister move.
I dropped a plate and cut my hand when I sent you that photo, which is actually from two years ago and was originally intended for my ex-boyfriend.
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Sitting in a clinic waiting room.
But I will continue to make you think I’m playing with my nipples in the bath.
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Ordering lunch.
Yeah, fondling your giggle stick sounds great right now, but so does a fried chicken with spaghetti meal.
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Cleaning my bathroom.
The fumes are making me a bit dizzy, which is why I said I wanted to "duck your chick."
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Trying on chokers at H&M.
Aka as close I'll come to a choking fantasy, sorry!
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Lying down for a nap.
It's exhausting pretending to be this horny.
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Waking up from a nap.
Sorry for those 22 minutes I went silent, but I looked it up, and blue balls aren't real.
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Waiting in line at the LTO.
I do need to sit on your face, but I really need to renew my license before it expires tomorrow.
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Peeing.
But to you, I'm "so wet."
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Peeing.
"Sooooooo wet."
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Peeing.
(I drink a lot of water ever since Chrissy Teigen said she drinks two gallons a day.)
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Consoling my friend after her breakup.
I can't tell if I'm a good friend or a terrible one.
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Searching for the perfect apple at the supermarket.
Not too soft, not too firm. And again, no, that is not a euphemism.
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Helping my grandma set up a Gmail account.
I don't know who she's planning on emailing, but your weirdly manscaped genitalia can wait.
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Pooping.
I needed extra time to find nudes I haven't already sent you.
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Getting a pedicure.
I'm feeling super relaxed right now, which is why I agreed to anal. I will most likely change my mind once the nail tech stops massaging my toes.
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Running to catch the bus.
That voice memo I sent of me moaning is really a result of me being horribly out of shape.
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Curling my hair.
I burned my fingers twice. It was sooo hot.
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Watching Game of Thrones.
Despite the show's amount of nudity, no, it's not porn.
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Walking my dog.
Pretty sure there was poop on my hands as I opened that picture of you in the shower.
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Celebrating my friend's birthday.
When I told you I was "touching my little butthole," I was really barking at the waiter for more Coke.
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Shopping for a new TV.
My dad's here too because I know nothing about TVs, and I'm pretty sure he caught a glimpse of your beef thermometer when we were checking out the 43" Toshiba.
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Cooking dinner.
Things are getting steamy, and by "things," I mean the vegetables.
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Attempting to follow a makeup tutorial.
I need full concentration for this winged liner, so for the next five minutes, please refrain from sending me your balls.
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Seeing how many chins I can make.
So far, three and a half.
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Working out.
Well, thinking about working out.
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Comparing prices of toilet paper.
That I need for being so wet from constantly peeing because of my UTI.
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And sexting my ex.
It's nothing personal. He's just taller.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
