'Takot ako sa confrontations. What do I do?'
Q: In my everyday life, I try my best to avoid confrontations—at home, but especially at work. Heated arguments stress me out and I'm worried about accidentally saying something offensive. What if they take it personally, 'di ba? But this also means, when problems come up, mas mahirap siyang pagusapan. What can I do about it?
***
How to handle confrontations
If this is something you can relate to, you're not alone. In an office setting, plenty of people avoid confrontations out of fear of creating hostility among peers. But this may also be getting in the way of your team's productivity and your own professional growth.
Cosmopolitan asked Sheila Tan, a meta coach and neuro-semantics trainer, for some advice on how to tackle this specific fear. "When someone says, 'I'm afraid of confrontation,' there's a high probability that the person is passive aggressive. 'Passive' and 'aggressive' are two extremes of a continuum.
'Passive' is 'I suffer silently' and when I can't take it anymore, I go to 'aggressive' and that may be in the form of gossip, backstabbing…Or I explode, I can't take it anymore, I'm just going to leave. Or sometimes, I scream at the person all of a sudden, after months or years of accumulation."
The solution is in the mid-point: It's about learning how to be assertive. Now the question is, how do you become assertive? Sheila suggests changing the term "confrontation" because it has such a negative energy around it already. A quick search on the actual definition produced this meaning: "the clashing of forces or ideas."
Instead, think about it as a conversation: "Can I have a conversation with you?" Communication plays a big role in changing the way you feel about big or hard conversations because it takes practice to be assertive without coming across as offensive. Sheila adds, "If you work on being assertive, then [you'll be able] to handle conversations, discussions, disagreements, and to an extreme, confrontations as well."
But what if the other person becomes defensive?
According to Sheila, "when a person feels attacked, there's a need to defend. Framing is very important. Framing means giving people a way to interpret things, and we should frame the conversation in a way that aligns the objectives of both parties. For example, instead of saying, 'Let's talk about the mistake that you made,' which can make a person build walls, you can say, 'Let's talk about how we can make this better,' or talk about an objective that you both have. [This way, that person] will understand that this is not about telling [them what they did] wrong, but how [things can be improved]."
You can also try repeating what the other person said and asking for clarifications. During a heated conversation, it's important to avoid using evaluative phrases like, "The problem with you is you're always negative," or "The problem with you is you make a big deal out of everything." Focus on what they said: "You said this. And this is how it appeared to me. Is that what you meant?" It's a good way to show the person you're talking to that you're actually listening and have the same goal to solve the problem.
Learn more about how to handle confrontations by watching the video below.
Sheila Tan is a meta coach and neuro-semantics trainer. She is also the president of Altius Coaching and Consulting. Sheila co-founded Flourish Circle, a community-based solution for mental health. Her advocacies include HIV awareness, women empowerment, and mental health. You can contact her through Altius Coaching's website, Facebook, or Instagram.
Do you need career, life, love, or mental health advice? We're here to help you, bb. Join our Cosmo Community on Facebook, post your question—btw, you can do this anonymously now—and use the hashtag #AskACosmoCoach.
Follow Ysa on Instagram.
