It’s a scenario most of us know all too well: When a couple within our barkada goes through a breakup, it inevitably disrupts the dynamic within the group, creating tension and often leaving us feeling pressured to take sides. In those moments, we can all relate to the weight of having to cut ties with one of them, which is almost as heartbreaking as the breakup itself.
Of course, it’s completely natural to want to keep things the way they are. Take Joshua Garcia, for instance. The actor, known for his close friendships with Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla, was recently asked how he maintains his relationship with the ex-couple, whose breakup was confirmed last November.
“Kasi pantay-pantay ako sa barkada ko, eh, walang lamangan,” he responded. "Buti na lang may respeto lahat. Hindi sila 'yung matampuhin. Matatanda na rin naman sila and they’ve remained matured.”
He added: “Doon naman din ako pumo-posisyon. Ayoko rin naman nang may kagalit, mahirap din, eh. Ang liit lang ng industriya namin tapos may kagalit pa, or mag-iiwasan pa kayo.”
The internet remains divided on the issue
While the Kathryn-Joshua-Daniel trio serves as a good example of a friend group finding an amicable middle ground, navigating such situations often proves challenging. And unsurprisingly, the question of whether it's okay to maintain a close friendship with a bestie's ex remains a controversial topic among netizens.
"[It's all about] loyalty," writes one user via Quora. "If you were my friend, doing that, I would never trust you again. You are not trustworthy, and certainly no kind of 'friend' I would invest energy into."
Another user replied: "In my opinion, you can stay friends if the breakup wasn't because of something morally wrong [like cheating or abuse]. Explain to [your friend] that you understand where they're coming from but you are also friends with their ex and you won't just cut them out of your life."
A user from Reddit, however, may have answered it best: "We're all adults, and [your relationship] with your friends [shouldn't] hinge on their relationship with [your ex]. Your ex is a whole person outside of the fact that [they were your] partner. They may not like your ex for the person they were to you, but they still have a relationship with your ex as an individual, and that's fine."
So what's the best approach?
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to this will-you-or-won’t-you scenario, but you need to consider various gray areas before deciding. Although this is a predicament you never asked to be in, there’s more at stake than you might realize.
How would it make your bestie feel?
If your bestie is visibly and understandably uncomfortable with you maintaining a close friendship with their ex, consider that it might strain your relationship. Are you willing to risk one friendship to preserve the other?
Who needs you more right now?
The nature of the breakup can influence whether it's appropriate to remain friends with the ex (or with your bestie, for that matter). An amicable split might make it less of an issue, but a one-sided breakup makes things much more delicate. If you need to choose, consider who would benefit more from your support, at least for the time being.
Can you actually manage to stay friends with both?
It’s important to be transparent about your reasons and intentions. If you plan to stay friends with the ex, let your bestie know where you stand instead of keeping them in the dark. The same goes for the ex; the worst possible outcome would be for both of them to feel uncomfortable and betrayed by your attempts to keep them within the same circle.
Would the ex be comfortable being friends with you, to begin with?
The ex’s feelings and their perspective on maintaining a friendship with you are factors that are often overlooked. They might feel awkward or uncomfortable continuing the friendship, especially if they're still hurting from the breakup.
How would your decision impact your barkada?
Consider the broader impact on your social circle! Friend groups can sometimes be divided by breakups, and choosing to side with one person might create tension with other friends who support the opposite side.
At the end of the day, true besties are likely to withstand and overcome even the most complex situations, such as a breakup. Perhaps there might even come a day when there's no longer a need to choose a side.
That said, we also need to acknowledge that some relationships and friendships are destined to end, and that's okay! As bittersweet as it sounds, it also gives us a deeper appreciation of the friendship we have with the people who continue to stick by us.
Now, whatever you decide, just be a good friend---it's the least you can do, and all everyone around you could ask for.
