When I was a kid, I always looked forward to Christmas. The gifts, the yummy food, and the playtime with my cousins. I remember planning my Christmas outfit as well! I always wanted to wear a dress, tights, and ballet flats with a matching bag.
The holiday season also meant that I'll have a break from school. No more waking up early and homework! I call these memories "happier and simpler times".
Now that I'm in my 30s, Christmas is just another day, but with festive food involved. In past Christmases, I didn't have the mental bandwidth to plan the Christmas menu. It was weird that I had this thought: "lakompake." I told myself, "I'm not that kind of person. Hindi ako bato."
It was only last week when I saw a viral Facebook post that I understood what I felt. It explained why some adults lost the "magic of Christmas".
Like what OP said, I'm going through a lot. Emotionally and financially.
I'm a breadwinner, and I shoulder household expenses, including Christmas and New Year's feasts. So for me, the holiday season is a time for ballooned expenses. My family doesn't know that I have a spreadsheet I refer to just to plan out our finances for the 'Ber months. Whenever I look at the money going in and out, I always wonder when I would ever be free from the fear of being broke. Don't get me wrong, I find joy when my family is happy. I love it when they enjoy the delicious food on the table. But because I want them to have Merry Christmas, I know I have to work extra hard to make their holiday dreams happen.
Along with the fear of not having enough money for my family, there is also this guilt whenever I would spend for myself. I still need to tell myself that I worked hard and I deserve to enjoy my sweldo.
Emotionally, I am learning to be at peace with my anxious self. Getting professional help (which is not cheap, BTW), learning mindfulness, and practicing stoicism are all the things I'm trying to help myself become a better person. I don't want to blame my childhood trauma and my "inner demons" whenever I would behave badly. I don't want my internal struggles projected onto family, friends, teammates, and partner—even by those who have caused me pain.
During reunions, it takes everything in me not to clap back at mean comments by my relatives. I just don't want conflict and I try to understand that is just how they are. What I can do is to not be that kind of tita to my nephews and nieces—to not be that judgmental cousin to relatives.
They do not deserve to be hurt by a hurt person like me. I have to break the cycle.
The emotional and mental overload can be sometimes unbearable and I just freeze or cry. However, there is a part of me that reminds me that I can survive this. Kaya ko pa. Kaya ko pa kahit hirap na hirap ako.
I struggle every day, especially during Christmas and New Year's. Those are the days when I am expected to spend more and smile at intrusive comments by relatives.
I've lost the magic of Christmas and that's okay. I'm not a kid anymore. I am now an adult who lives in an unkind world.
My ideal Christmas is just me in my room, eating my fave food (doesn't need to be expensive) and binge-watch my favorite series. My Christmas outfit: My old t-shirt and comfy joggers. Not exactly magical and grand, but peaceful. I just want a Christmas na hindi ko kailangan gumastos nang malaki. I want to be assured that I'll start the New Year with enough money.
On the flip side, I'm perfectly okay with my family's idea of magical Christmas is a huge reunion dinner. I just need to be smart with our finances to make this happen. I'm also living vicariously through friends who celebrate the holiday break out of the country. Before, I would admit that I would get jealous because they can enjoy their salary and even go on trips paid for by their parents. Now, I realized that envy would just make me resent my situation.
The pandemic also made me realize that not everything is measured by wealth. You really have to switch your perspective and be grateful for what you have. Yes, it's not exactly magical for me but I have the opportunity to make it magical for others.
What I'm trying to say is that Christmas is different for everyone. But one thing is for sure, it doesn't need to be a day of forced happiness. The best Christmas is having the freedom to choose what it should mean for yourself. Let's be kind to everyone and respect their choices and situations.
