While blow jobs are a great measure to get the party started, there is quite a bit of downtime, so it’s easy for one’s mind to wander. I mean, of course, I’m thinking about your peen, but I’m also wondering if my gift certificates for a massage are still valid.
While we as women are doing our best to be ~present~, here are some other thoughts we have while we lick the lollipop:
- There are at least four pubes in my mouth. I can’t tell if they’re yours or mine.
- Please stop grabbing my tits. Your hands are getting in the way of my ~technique~.
- Should I look at you? I feel like that’s creepy?
- I’m gonna look at you. Like, every blow job tip ever told me that’s preferable.
- Can you tell I’m thinking about my cat that died when I was six? All this hair in my mouth has me feeling nostalgic.
- I hope you’re cool with me using your toothbrush after this. IDK if we’re leave-a-toothbrush-at-your-place exclusive yet.
- Shit, I need to call my mom back. Not my ideal time to think about my mom, but I can see she just texted me.
- I should’ve tied my hair up before I came down here. Now you’re just getting a blow job by the girl from The Ring.
- Can I get pregnant from swallowing? I know the answer is no, but we also thought man would never walk on the moon.
- Spitters are quitters. The Dr. Seuss story no one needed.
- I bet I can shove both balls in my mouth. Did it. (Sorta.)
- Using both hands is…hard? The coordination just doesn’t click with me.
- If I’m being honest with myself, I’d give myself a 7/10. I’ll admit, I could do some more tongue action.
- I wonder what would happen if I moved my finger toward your butt…*says a prayer*
- Oh, that’s what. Noted.
- Did the pilgrims suck D? Like, where did this originate? Who was the first person to think, That place you pee out of? YUM.
- Why is it called a “blow job” anyway? There’s literally no blowing involved (but it is a job).
- I have to fart, and I’m gonna hold it till I die.
- Who let your cat in here? I don’t really like an ~audience~ when I do this.
- My neck hurts. Bb better give me a massage after this.
- There should be a service that brings you Gatorade after this. I’d call it Blowmates.
- How sharp would my teeth have to be in order to bite off a penis? Not that I would, but I’d like to know the possibility is there.
- Okay, you’re not making ANY noises. Give me a lil bit of validation, plz?
- Never mind, that weird hum is worse! I prefer corpse-like silence.
- I remember my first blow job. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and it was deeply underwhelming.
- I just realized I’ve never given road head. Note to self: Find someone to give road head to.
- I haven’t opened my eyes in a while, but TBH, I really don’t want to see your face right now. It’s not cute.
- If you’re gonna say something, babe, make it original. I know it feels good. That’s why you’re hard.
- I need to stop wearing makeup when I do this. I can literally feel my eyeliner moving south.
- My mouth is slowly but surely drying up. Now I get why doctors stress the importance of staying hydrated.
- I wonder what it feels like to shoot something out of your penis. It always LOOKS like it hurts?
- How long have I been down here? I should start timing these things.
- Honestly, I’m bored. My tongue can only do so many things.
- You want me to get on my knees? What am I, an acrobat?
- The pubes have moved to my throat. I repeat, the pubes have moved to my throat.
- Can I cough them up while still being sexy? Only one way to find out...
- Nope, absolutely not.
- Sweetie, it’s been 20 minutes. If you haven’t come by now, I think that ship has sailed.
- Wait, I think it’s happening. You’re making that gerbil sound again.
- How many times do I have to tell you, “Not in my hair?”
- My favorite part of a blow job is when it’s over. My second favorite part is when you don’t ask for one.
- Alright buddy, get down there. My turn.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
