Yay! You survived/thrived your wedding! You took non-lame engagement photos, miraculously kept your rented dress (thrify!) decently clean, and have armored up with some fine-ass lingerie. Now there's the last thing beside the honeymoon (and oh yeah, that whole bit about 'til death do you part.)
It's time for the wedding night sex. Whether you've been planning this perfect night forever in your head or you're going into the night as a excited/nervous first-time-sex-haver, or you've seen each other's parts many a time and want to push it a little further because y'all are never gonna be that basic couple, or even if you feel kind meh about a culturally-sanctioned night of enforced sex, we got you.
Whatever situation you've got going down, the sex is gonna be real. You might find yourself at the other end of a penis learning exactly what Honeymoon Syndrome is or there are dress/hair complications or maybe even having the most fucking romantic sex of your life while calling each other “husband” or “wife” or "spouse" because newly married people really love doing that. Wedding night sex can be just as weird, awkward, hilarious, romantic, hot or sublime as any night of sex—just more, because it's your freaking wedding night.
And if there is no sexing in your new marital bed, fear not, it's TOTALLY okay. It's super common and does NOT foretell wedded doom. People get tired, drink too much or whatever. Use one of these to have a toss in the morning and you're all good.
The Hope Chest
Prepare a special sex box for the wedding and make your partner well aware you're doing it. Fill it with a lingerie set that gives you Beyoncé energy, a pair of hand cuffs, special lube, and a vibrator. On your big night, cuff your new spouse's wrists behind their neck (comfortably, like when they're resting their head on their hands) and slowly lube up the area(s) you're gonna play with. (Vibes can be magic for: clits, g-spots, perineums, penis shafts, around the anus, asses). Don't go right in, tease them a little 'til they really really want it.
The First Time, Part II
If your virginity—how ever you want to define that—left the premises long, long ago, act like it's the first time for both of you. Pretend like you, or hell both of you— it's a game, you make up the damn rules—have never been touched by another. Of course just a mindf*ck, but go all in and fake out you brain so you'll really notice every touch and make every progression (holy crap, they're touching my boobs!) feel like the first time. End facing each on your sides for eye gazing, soulful slow sex.
The Kamasutra
The Kamasutra recommends a many days worth of wooing techniques to “create confidence in the girl” before the “inauguration of lovemaking” but if you forgot that part, you can skip to the end for the bendy position for the day of reckoning. Get on your knees and lean back onto a big stack of pillows. Your penis-having or strap-on wearing partner is on their knees to enter. Your clit with be very available for rubbing by both of you.
The Happily (Ending) Ever After
If you're feeling romantic (duh), have him give you a full body rub down with a scented candle or bar that melts into massage oil. Wait 'til you're arching your back because you want him so damn bad, then have him slide onto your body and enter from behind. (“Behind” = “from the back” not “anal.” Anal is an anniversary thing.) Stretch your arms above and hold hands because you two are cute like that.
The Post-Wedding Bubbly
Invite your new wife to a bath for two with champagne chilling, something yummy to eat, and two fully-charged waterproof vibrators. Pop your vibe in (something that provides inner and outer stimulation would be amaaaazing), looking into each other's eye and see how long you can indulge in booze and vibrations before someone just loses it. Oral sex to follow for both of you, obvi.
The Wedding Presence
If you've been together forever and seen every part of each other a billion times, you can make it new again by super-focusing on undressing each other like it's the first time. Stand by the foot of the bed and remove each other's wedding garb slowly, piece by piece, kissing whatever ~parts~ are revealed each time. Really notice the feel of their mouth on you or the way their chest feels under your hand. Prop your foot on the bed for balance and do it standing. Keep your veil on, it'll feel extra sexy, and when else are you gonna wear it again?
Taking The Plunge
Again, just because you've done it *a lot* with your partner before the special day, you can still make it hot. Ban pre-wedding sex for an amount of time that will be semi-painful to both of you. When the big night comes and you're beyond ready, have him carry you over the threshold, making out during. He props you atop the fancy hotel dresser, slides down your panties, unzips his fly and takes you right there, still in your wedding clothes. Let him handle explaining things to the tux rental place.
The Bedded Bliss
If one of you is a virgin, this night might have even more meaning. Have your partner lie on top of the length of your body—chest to chest, legs to legs—and you rock against him gently with your hips and hands. A very sweet way to start as husband and wife, plus it buffers against too-enthusiastic pounding and lowers the chances of him coming in two seconds because he's finally—finally!—with you. As always, lube is your BFF.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
