Have you ever heard of a "backburner"? If you've ever dated in the era of Tinder and Bumble, then there's a real possibility that you've encountered or experienced this without knowing what it's called. You may have even instigated it yourself.
You may also be familiar with the concept thanks to singer-songwriter NIKI's song of the same name, where she heartfully sings about waiting—and settling—for someone who might not feel the same way. "Maybe I'm just not better than this, I haven't tried, 'cause maybe you'll finally choose me after you've had more time," she almost-cries in the bridge. "And I know that it's sad that I settle for the backburner," she continues, before ending the song, sad-hoping: "As long as you still think of me."
In basic dating lingo, to be on someone's backburner means to be kept as a secondary or backup option in a romantic context—in case things with their primary option don't work out. When you're involved in this arrangement, it usually means that the person you're seeing continues to give you attention without fully committing to having a relationship with you. You're essentially being kept on the backburner, hence the label. (The Internet, by the way, also refers to this act as "benching" or "benchwarming.")
Of course, this type of situationship is nothing new—historically, a person who would do such a thing would be called a "player"—but the serial swiping nature of dating apps has somewhat normalized this kind of behavior. For instance, someone who's on Bumble would typically engage with multiple matches before deciding on a person they want to date exclusively. And if that potential romance fizzles out for any reason, they can easily reconnect with previous matches and simply pick up where they left off.
No harm, no foul, right? Well, maybe in Bumble World. But when someone continues to act this way outside of dating apps, it can lead to more significant problems and heartbreaks. In fact, there are a whole lot of disjointed people online wondering whether the situationship they're in qualifies as a backburner relationship.
ALSO READ: Have You Ever Gotten Jealous Over Your Partner's Ex? It's More Than Just Selos
Am I a backburner?
In a Reddit post titled "Am I a backburner?", a guy sought advice to determine whether he was being kept on the backburner in his relationship. "I would be honest, mabilis ako ma-attach and right after we hooked up, I started fantasizing about him being with me," he pointed out. "But the thing is we talked sa Messenger and [he] would call me 'babe' and would [tell] me out of nowhere that he misses me. Tapos he would leave me on delivered for one to two days and just chat as if my last [message] wasn't there waiting for a reply. And all of these happening made me question myself [whether] I was not worthy to pursue ba? Am I not attractive enough?"
Another user, this time from a different subreddit, admitted she didn't realize that she was a backburner until she discovered the term. "I realized how horrible my past relationships were. I'd just let them come and go. There are instances [wherein] bigla lang kaming hindi nag-uusap then months later babalik sila at lalandi like nothing ever happened. And I would accept them back wholeheartedly. Sorry, ang tanga lang."
One post from the Off My Chest subreddit echoed this sentiment. A female user admitted feeling blindsided when the guy whom she thought had an interest in her unfriended her on social media. "He went back to his ex and we stopped talking," she shared. "After a year, he suddenly added me back to all my socials then talked to me again. To be honest, [I don't know] if I should talk to him again since I feel like a backburner."
ALSO READ: Friendship, Hookup, or Dating: This Internet Theory Says Guys Box You In Forever
How do I deal with being a backburner?
As with most situationships, things are never that simple, and it's hard to tell how and why someone would continue allowing themselves to be on somebody's backburner. After all, it's never easy to walk away from someone you may already have feelings for, even when you feel neglected and undervalued.
Even those guilty of "benching" someone likely have their reasons, such as not being ready to dive into a relationship right away or being traumatized by a past experience with an ex. Maybe they're not even aware that their actions constitute being in a backburner relationship. These scenarios don't justify their actions, but they do present plenty of gray areas to consider.
Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your feelings and have a conversation with the person about how the situation is affecting you. Change may not happen overnight, especially if you're not on the same page, but having an open discussion might lead to a resolution or agreement that you can feel comfortable with for the time being.
At the very least, it will help them understand the potential consequences of their actions and what they might risk losing if they continue down this path. If they know and appreciate your worth, you won't be on their backburner for long.
