I was scrolling on Instagram one day—as one usually does—and found myself clicking on the story of Alex* whom I was in a friends-with-benefits (FWB or fuck buddy) arrangement with a few months ago. To my surprise, he posted pictures of a girl. It wasn't really telling at the time as I knew he had many girl friends, but I already had a gut feeling that she was *The* Girl. A few days later, my suspicions proved to be correct when they basically did a hard launch via Instagram Story. Feminine intuition is never wrong, LOL!
Before you ask, Alex and I were in a bit of a complicated situation during our short time together. It started out as an FWB set-up, but the lines got a bit blurred as we eventually spent hours upon hours talking into the night and even messaging each other throughout the day. Yep, we already broke the cardinal rule of fuck buddy relationships—to set boundaries outside of the bedroom. There were also times we'd see each other solely to go on normal dates. There goes yet another important rule shot to pieces.
READ MORE: Can You Be Friends With Benefits Without It Getting Messy?
What started out as an FWB arrangement eventually turned into a sort of, kind of situationship. We both knew whatever we had was more than a fuck buddy set-up, but it was less than an *actual* relationship as we never put a label on it (or even really talked about it).
This is why it comes as no surprise that I was hurt AF when I saw those hard-launch IG Stories. Aside from the pain, I was also confused. We weren't even exclusive, as I was also seeing other people aside from him (though those were *true* fuck buddy arrangements), so I shouldn't be hurt. But what surprised me the most is that I was more pained by this than when my long-term relationship of Five! Long! Years! ended.
I decided to ask esteemed relationship coach Sanaiyah Gurnamal for her expert opinion on situationships, from what the hell they actually are to tips on how to cope with losing someone who was never really yours to begin with (oof). Read on for more:
READ MORE: What Is A 'Situationship' And How Do You Know If You're In One?
What is a situationship? How is it different from an *actual* relationship between two people?
According to Coach Sanaiyah, situationships are "like that gray area in the dating world." It can be confusing because you do all the sweet things that people in regular relationships do like being intimate or going on dates, but you don't have a label. You haven't done a check-in or DTR (yet), so it's hard to know where you really stand.
In actual relationships, you both know where you're at. "It's exclusive, you communicate, and you've likely had your fair share of heart-to-heart 'where is this going?' conversations," she notes.
How can you tell if you're in a situationship?
It can be hard to say if you're in a situationship, but there are definitely some tell-tale signs. Maybe you have no photos together on Insta, or you might only limit talking to each other on one social media platform. You might also have not yet met their friends IRL, and you find both of you to be reluctant to do The Talk or to DTR.
Why TF do situationship breakups hurt more than relationship breakups?
Situationship breakups can sting a bit more than relationship breakups. In a situationship, Coach Sanaiyah says "it's a bit like navigating through a fog of uncertainty. When it ends, it can feel like you're losing something that was never fully defined." She also adds that "the uncertainty [of a situationship] can mess with your head, making you question your worth and leaving you feeling rejected and confused."
At least in an actual relationship, there are clear-cut expectations and a defined goal. You know exactly where you started and you've committed to be together, so when the inevitable breakup happens, it's painful, yes, but at least it's less confusing.
Committed relationships also feel well-lived. There were highs and lows, and it usually felt fulfilling until the bitter end. With a situationship, you lose something that has potential—it gets cut off right as it starts to grow and maybe blossom into something beautiful. You hold on to the idea that whatever you have with them can turn into something more, and you latch on to that hope, no matter how minuscule it is, which is why it's extra painful when it suddenly ends without warning.
Are situationship breakups just as valid as relationship breakups?
Ofc, it's just as valid as actual relationship breakups! As Coach Sanaiyah says, "pain is pain, no matter where it comes from." Just because there wasn't an official label for your relationship doesn't mean that the pain you feel isn't real. "The validity of a breakup doesn't hinge on the label of your connection; it's all about the emotional impact," she adds.
How do you cope or heal from a situationship breakup?
Coping from any breakup—especially one as undefined as a situationship—is never easy, but there are steps you can take to minimize the pain and eventually heal.
Feel those feels
It's okay to feel sad, heartbroken, angry, or just plain lost. Acknowledge your emotions and feel them—they're all part of the healing process!
Create some space
During this tough time, you might be tempted to reach out to the person and talk things out. If it ended badly, this might only create more chaos and more feelings hurt. Allow yourself some breathing space from them or cut ties if necessary.
Talk it out
It can be easy to just shut yourself off from the world while you're ~going through it~, but remember, you don't have to go through it alone. Schedule a vent sesh with your friends or your therapist—it can definitely make all the difference.
Practice self-love
Now that you're untethered, take the time to focus on self-care and self-love. What were the things you failed to do for yourself during your time together? Now's the time to get back to them, whether it's taking up a new hobby, learning a new language, or reconnecting with friends.
Draw those lines
If your situationship was all about mixed signals and confusion, consider setting clearer boundaries in the future. No more guessing games, you deserve more!
Learn and grow
Like a "real" relationship breakup, you also need to take a step back and reflect on the situationship. There may be things you might learn about yourself that can help your personal growth and self-discovery, so you're ready and more prepared for your next relationship, whenever that may be.
Seek some help
If you're finding it tough to cope, remember that you're not alone. You can reach out to experts like relationship coaches to give you professional advice and guide you on your path to healing.
*Names have been changed.
